Maybe it’s me

In the last two or so years, I’ve had 3 friendships end. Two of them were fading over time, and one of them ended abruptly and frankly, caught me totally off guard.

I said things like, “their loss” or that I was over it. But the truth is, it really hurt my heart. And if I’m being totally honest, as I write this post, I realize that it still does really hurt my heart. I have other friends, and none of these lost friendships were like my absolute best friend ever (that’s my cousin and she literally can’t get rid of me). But they were long friendships that I had always imagined would be around for the rest of my life.

For a while, when I vented about these friendships to other friends, I did a lot of a finger pointing. “They did this”, “they didn’t do that anymore”, “I tried but she didn’t…”. That type of stuff.

But yesterday, something popped into my mind. And I can’t stop thinking about it.

Maybe, it was me.

Maybe, I should stop being angry at their actions and consider the fact that the only common factor in these scenarios of lost friendships… is me.

Maybe the reasons that these women are no longer on my favorites list in my phone, or maybe the reason they didn’t get a Christmas card (actually no one has because I still haven’t stamped them and sent them)… maybe the reason is me.

Maybe it’s because one of them is still living her best SINGLE life. She enjoys travel and new adventures. She loves the spontaneous “let’s go to this concert tonight” freedom she has without having to worry about a partner or baby to consider.

But me? I’m living my own version of my best life. I’ve got a phenomenal husband and the sweetest baby girl. Our adventures are more planned out and involve Mickey Mouse and at least 2 spare outfits.

Maybe it’s because one of them moved far away. She doesn’t visit home much, and when she does, she’s got a lot of family to visit. She’s taken a few different avenues into finding herself and she has passionately found her place. The way she talks is different, the way she thinks is different. The way she smiles is different (and better).

But me? I live 100 miles from home. I see my family often and my hometown friends almost as much. I found myself a long time ago. That woman I found is a foul mouthed, outrageously obnoxious, firecracker of a human. It takes a special kind of person to enjoy the company of her.

Maybe it’s because one of them is a ferocious mama bear, fighting to make sure her kids have the best life she and her husband can give them; something she missed out on herself as a child. Her battle comes with many ups and downs, a distrust in people and unfortunately (for some) a short margin for error.

And me? I wish her the best. And for a long time, tried to ride along beside her through her battles. But at some point, needed to focus on my own. In doing so, our paths stopped running alongside each other, and twisted and turned in opposite directions.

Maybe, it’s me.

The reason these friendships have ended… well it could be me.

I’ve grown and I’ve adjusted to that growth. I have different priorities and opportunities. I’ve fallen so in love with who I am, that not a soul could change me. Who I am now, well, that chick just doesn’t fit in these women’s lives.

And they don’t fit in mine.

And finally, yesterday, I accepted that that is alright 🙂

If any of the women I am referring to happen to stumble upon this, please know this:

I’m proud of where you are and who you are. I smile at your accomplishments and applaud you for never accepting defeat. I love the memories we have and will cherish them for all my days. Good luck to you all.

🤍🤍🤍🤍